It has been recently discovered by fake news that the toilet paper industry started rumors of the coronavirus in an effort to save its fleeting stocks and market shares. Money was the motivation behind the industry’s desire to succumb to desperate acts that used fear to push its profit margin and generate a spike in its necessity throughout American households.
When asked about its decision to generate rumors about the coronavirus, a spokesperson for the toilet paper industry stated that they felt they had no other choice but to create a rumor that would force people to rush stores throughout America for rolls of toilet paper. “We needed something that would bring the people of America back to our soft and delicate paper,” stated the spokesperson for the industry. “It became apparent that people just weren’t wiping like they should, which is why we saw a decline in our sales. However, after we sold the idea of the coronavirus to the powers that be, we knew that it would force people to do anything possible to keep their bums as clean as possible,” the spokesperson continued.
The toilet paper industry has pled guilty to all charges of information manipulation and they have agreed to use the overabundance of profit recently acquired to educate the public on the importance of paper share and how it affects us all. “We never meant to cause any real fears throughout the world,” stated the spokesperson.
“We just wanted to bring the public back to our products. Now, we want to make right by educating the public on what it means to share our products with one another. We hate seeing people fight one another for our toilet paper and we promise to make good on our mistake to spread such a vicious rumor.” The ‘paper share’ concept that the toilet paper industry has created is a program that teaches individuals how to use certain amounts of paper to wipe effectively.
It is believed that people are using too much toilet paper during their cleansing, and as a result, they reduce the amount that can be conserved. “By using up too much paper, people become desperate and they forget that there are other people who need this product to cleanse themselves, as well,” said the spokesperson. “If people are made aware of how much paper to use for each wipe, they will eliminate the need to hog all of the toilet paper up for themselves.”
The public is not so convinced, however, that the toilet paper industry will make good on their promise to save the world one roll at a time. Many individuals have gone online to express their disdain by the toilet paper industry’s public manipulation.
“I can’t believe the toilet paper industry was so desperate to make money that they would create such a horrendous rumor,” stated one online commenter. Another user stated their anger on their purchase more so than the actual rumor itself. “I’m so angry right now! What the hell am I supposed to do with 15 packs of 24-roll toilet paper?” Thus far, the toilet paper industry has made no comments on whether they will refund the money made during the pandemic.
Written By: A Fake Reporter